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My thanks to both Stuart Conquest and Jon Manley, editor of Kingpin, for permission to host this witty and very creative article. Kingpin is a humorous chess magazine which I strongly recommend.
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Do Not Adjust Your Chess Set...by GM Stuart Conquest

Once upon a Taimanov, when men were men Anand Gellers were Gellers, there lived a Hansen chess fanatic called Anon. Tal Anand Slim Bouaziz, he Wade Novotny much Tartakower ten Stonewall, Anand even though his Alburt, Lev Romanishin, Oleg was slightly Blackstock, Les Nigel Short than his right, still he was very Keene on Tseitlin. He had Sozin little Nimzowitsch, Aron his chin that he only had to Scheveningen once a weak d-pawn, and many people thought he might be a Ponziani.

Anon did like Gellers, but he could never Fine the Taimanov. Chess Anand Tseitlin Oll Réti rook up ten hours a Lawrence Day, Anand he was Planinc even Morphy of the Sämisch. He liked to Colin Crouch in the Sadler, Larsen, Bent Double Muzio in Malcolm Pein, his Nigel Short Alburt, Lev Romanishin, Oleg Chernin like it had Cambridge Springs; at such Times World Championship he would Simagin chess positions - in this way he could go on for hundreds of Tony Miles. It was Shirov masochism, but Anon was that kind of Ljubojevic. He was, in fact, a bit of a Pollock.

One evening at the chess club his Pal Benko took him aside.

'Kan we speak?' Saidy Benko.
'John Shaw,' Saidy Anon. 'I'm Lisitsin.'
'I must be Marshall, Frank,' Saidy Benko. 'Wijk aan Zee something a Tinsley bit personal?'
'Reuben Fine by Milov.'
'Are Yusupov Polugayevsky?'
'Barden?' Saidy Anon, playing for Taimanov.
'Are Yusupov Polugayevsky?' repeated Benko. His voice was Furman free of Malich. 'I don't Mind Sports Olympiad Ivkov Yusupov are, and Norwood anyone else here.'
Anon was Suetin like a Pigusov. He took his Kotov and loosened his Tatai. He didn't know how to Jansa.
'Yudovich Xie,' Saidy Benko, Lane his Handoko on Anon's shirt-Slav, 'Steinitz just that Yusupov never talk about Gellers or Sax, only chess and Tseitlin.'
'I like Tseitlin,' Saidy Anon.
'Me and the Mieses think Yusupov need a Henry Bird,' Saidy Benko. 'She reckons you've never Angus Dunnington anything with a Geller. She thinks you're still a Vergani.'
Suddenly Anon lost his tempo. He began to James Howell. His perpetual cheeks started to Byrne like two Russians of bacon in a frying Panno. He was absolutely Semmering, 1926.
'Watson utter Rotlewi!' he yelled, Fominyh at the Lipke. 'I'm Nottingham 1936 an Efim Geller Polugayevsky! And Vaisser is it Sozin Baden-Baden 1925 to be a Vergani? Steinitz Knott Sozin ECO to Kamsky, Gata Geller!'

By now the entire club was Lisitsin. Nunn of them had ever Stean such a Showalter before.
Somebody Saidy quietly, 'Znosko-Borovsky without a flame.'
Anon put his Handoko over his Hartston. 'By this Taimanov the Morra,' he announced, 'I shall have a Geller. Marco my words. Ioseliani!'
And then, full of de Grieff, he went straight to the Bogoljubow and Kraidman all Tartakower the Flohr.

* * *

The next Lawrence Day, Tseitlin around town, Anon stopped at every pub Orr von Bardeleben he could Fine, Anand tried to O'Kelly de Galway, Alberic, Count Oll the gorgeous Gellers there were. Evans! he would exclaim, Orr Nogueiras, Jesus!, seeing Sozin many Nice Olympiad Vera Menchiks not Farago From Gambit his Chéron. He drank half a point here, half a point there, until he was quite Thipsay. He drank Sozin much he had a Flear of getting a beer Beliavsky. He was determined to Brinck-Claussen a Geller Averbakh to the chess club, but Nimzowitsch? Timman again he thought: I'll Lasker, Jackson, Sheila accept, but every Taimanov his tongue stuck to the Sheldon, Ruth of his mouth like Plaskett. Damsky, he thought, perhaps I am Polugayevsky.

He Simpole had no basic Anderssen of Watson Gellers like Todorcevic with Ljubojevics. He was too Walbrodt up. Neither Gligoric nor Portisch, Anon had his own Padevsky in the Westerinen of the city, by the old Estaban Canal. He would have preferred something Granda Zuniga, but at least he was Wells situated for Tseitlin: he often went Miles along the Estaban Canal path, looking for Levenfish in the Browne, Walter. In the evenings he Gormally liked to Stein and watch Letelier by Heemsoth. Although hardly the Marin type, whenever he was Fedorowicz up or board - which was Burn, Amos every knight - Ekström Sax fantasies would rise up Anand de Vere him. Once, with adjournment Geller on an Exchange López schools programme, he had devised a Cunningham Kaplan - at great Kosten he had hired a dirty Vidmar from the dirty Vidmar Skopje Olympiad on the Horner. They had sat on his Bednarski together to Xie it. After five minutes for Oll your moves the Geller had Saidy, 'Ach, mein Lieb, Steinitz too Spielmann, Rudolf for Minev' Anand left. He tried to Grob her but she kicked him in the Bologans.

'Kan I sit here?' Saidy a Junge Geller's voice.
Anon's Hartston missed a Zueger, Beat. He Closed Sicilian his eyes. It didn't Mattison how she looked.
Even Ivkov her hair was a Mestel and her face was slightly Carlsbad 1929 he would still McDonald, Neil at her feet Anand Tal her everything. He wouldn't even be Suttles: he would stop at the Kashdan dispenser on the way.
'Do Yusupov Csom here often?' asked the Geller.
I Ribli Hort to Opocenský my eyes, thought Anon, Anand Sozin he Dizdar.

The Geller was the Jansa to his wildest Breyer. One McShane, Luke from her Deep Blue eyes could Pirc his very soul. He tried to Cramling, Pia under-promotion the Nigel Short Hempe-Allgaier of her Duras, and deliberately she let him Tarrasch, Siegbert the Euwe, Max possible by Opening Theory a substantial Gaprindashvili between her Alburt, Lev Romanishin, Oleg Anand her right to castle Romanishin, Oleg. Her Bristol theme problem-solving competitions were also rather Peter Large. She was a real Teesside 1975. Anon Fort Knox Defence vainly to controller his excitement. She was gradually Mecking him Hardiscay.

By now totally Pistyan 1922, Anon Larsen, Bent her ears with his Novi Sad Olympiad Anand Seret plight. 'Steinitz not fair of them to Kmoch me like this. Just because I don't talk about Sax and Gellers all the Taimanov they think I'm Polugayevsky. They say I'm a Vergani, Anand take the pieces because I only Scheveningen once a Weenink. Anand Watson wrong with Tseitlin? They're Sozin Volga Gambit - I wish they would Leko of my feelings Anand Piket on someone else's instead.' He paused Tkachiev his breath and loosen his Colle. He didn't feel van Wely. Then he added, 'Steinitz Benko. He Yates me.' The Geller Queen's Gambit Accepted Anon's Torre. She was a Jaenisch au-pair Geller From Gambit Copenhagen, Anand she had never had a Symmetrical English Ljubojevic before. She let Anon Brinck-Claussen her to the club, but she insisted that they Dreev there. She hated Tseitlin. In the Caro-Kann although she was still a Lerner she Tukmakov one Handoko off the Van der Wiel and Lputian it in his laptop. Then she began to Atalik one of his ear Lobrons. 'Don't Worrall about your Pal Benko,' she Saidy. 'I'm John Shaw Illescas Ivkov Adams, Weaver Gaprindashvili, Nona each other Eslon as he thinks we have. He'll assume I'm a Horwitz, but I bet he'd rather Havana Olympiad me than Havana Olympiad his Mieses.' Anon Grünfeld Bareev Anand Fuller of confidence. 'Van der Wiel Showalter them!' he cried, giving her a big Werner Hug. He no longer had any Dautov. He felt Ftacnik.

'Velimirovic of any interest to Yusupov Ponzianis!' he screamed, entering the building like a Prins returning to his Richard Palliser, his betrothed hanging pawns on his de Firmian Armas. Nunn of them uttered a word as the Jaenisch Geller with the rather Peter Large Bristol theme problem-solving competitions planted a big wet Psakhis on Anon's flushed Benoni, Czech. 'Anand there are Lodz 1927 Morphy where that came Gambit, From,' she whispered coyly. She let him Kling to her, Anand they started Bad Kissingen 1928 in Ernst. Anon was Akopian very van Wely indeed.

* * *

That knight, Anon practically Forster Averbakh to his Ryumin. He was happy just to Zukertort her Richard Tozer, but this Geller needed Morphy to Richter-Rauzer. They started French Ilyumzhinov, Kirsan on his Bednarski, and then she removed his thermal Tseitlin Ehlvest Anand began to Keres his Botvinnik with her tactile Ree, Hans.

'Yudovich have a Rashkovsky,' she noted, feeling the small lumps. 'Levitt alone,' Saidy Anon, embarrassed. 'It comes from all my Tseitlin. I spend too long in the Sadler.' 'Let me Smirin some Smyslov, Vassily,' she coaxed. 'Ribli?' Saidy Anon, incredulously. He reached for his multi-Vitolins. 'Don't Rubinstein too Harding.' As she Smothered Mate his Waitzkin with the cool Salwe he felt a FIDE election coming on. He wanted to Adianto something terribly British Championship and stiff upper Filip, but at that instantaneous there came the smooth Anand Soppe Leningrad Dutch of a Digital Game Timer near his Dunnington, Angus. Suddenly she James Poulton off her French Nikolic and climbed on Topolov. She still had her Braga on. Holy Schmidt, thought Anon, who wasn't John Shaw if he was Réti.

'Are Yudovich on the Pilnik?' he asked.
'Is this your first Taimanov?' she asked.

Later, much later, she Saidy, 'Well, do Yudovich feel Petroff now?'
He smiled. 'I could have Chris Dunworth,' he replied.

There was a pause.

'Are Yusupov John Shaw you're not a bit Polugayevsky?' asked the Geller, van der Sterren at Anon's tender Botvinnik covered with red blitz. She hoped he hadn't passed pawn his Rashkovsky on to her. Maybe it didn't come From Gambit Tseitlin after Oll. She Closed Sicilian her Deep Blue Jaenisch eyes Anand tried to remember where she had parked her Caro-Kann. Anon was Hansen enough, but - like all Verganis - he was Livshits at Sax. The next Lawrence Day she would probably Ivanchuk him for his Pal Benko. She bet he New in Chess how to make a Geller Ravikumar.